Blaaaaaah. I have been feeling so blah lately, that I’ve gotten myself twisted to remain in a bad mood for a little over a week now. I say “twisted” because that’s the best way to describe they way it would feel to get back to the happy state I was in previously. It’s like my insides are in a knot. My problem is that I’m unsure of why and I know that I am the only one that can answer that question for myself.
I guess I should preface the following paragraphs with a “warning” that I do not blame anyone in my family for my poor mood lately. Even though I will be talking about them in the next few paragraphs, I’m simply diagnosing my problems by going through what has been irritating me lately and simply venting. So family- if you’re reading this and I mention you, know that I love you but there’s some things I’m annoyed with!
For starters, I’m tired.
The biggest warning you get when you are with child is to “sleep while you can!” “You’re going to be so tired!” It’s all about the sleep. Those people are so right, but in a way you wouldn’t expect. The first few months of raising a newborn is about literal sleep loss, getting up every 1, 2, 3 hours to feed and change a tiny human. Not to mention the number of times you wake yourself up to make sure they’re still breathing in the middle of the night or jumping up because you hear a strange noise coming from the baby monitor. As the months go on, it get’s better! Estelle is a wonderful sleeper and I give a lot of credit to her Dad’s genes, because he is a dead-to-the-world sleeper.
The part they don’t tell you about, is the wear and tear on your body! The part that comes after you’ve healed from childbirth. When you can’t remember if you ate breakfast that morning or when the last time you used the bathroom was. When you can’t remember if you brushed your teeth before bed because you passed out on the couch after finally getting the baby settled. Or the part where a majority of your time is spent making sure your child doesn’t jump off the couch- again, because she loves the “5 Little Monkey’s” song. Or fast forward to the teenage years! When you’ve told them 50 times to clean their room or fold their laundry- and it still doesn’t get done. When you’ve screamed up the stairs that it’s time for dinner only to get no response and be forced to physically go up and get them. That kind of stuff is just draining.
There’s a whole new meaning to the word tired when you’re a parent! But I wouldn’t change anything for the world, because I love being a Mom. I love being a Mom so much and I know that this is something I was meant to do but I’m just worn out.
I feel a lot of “Mom-Guilt” for that, being worn out. I feel bad when I need a minute to myself, when I need to get out for a bit. I feel bad when I need to take a shower after work and Estelle cries because I just got home and she missed me. I used to feel bad leaving Estelle to go to work and I’d cry in my car before going in, but I’ve gotten used to it by now. Sometimes the worn out feeling catches up with you and you feel like you can’t mange everything, you tried to do everything you could to the best of your ability but you couldn’t for today. When one night of skipped dishes, becomes two nights of skipped dishes. When a well balanced planned out meal doesn’t work out that night because you got too busy with other things. The Mom-Guilt is the worst feeling ever, because your heart is trying to convince you that you’re doing the wrong thing when your brain is trying to convince you that you’re not.
I guess as I write this on, I realize more and more how much I am speaking to myself. The part of my brain that takes over writing this blog is subconsciously telling the rest of my body that it’s okay to be tired! I know it’s okay but I just don’t want to be tired. If that makes sense?
I get Mom-Guilt when I clean during the day, when the sink is overflowing with dishes but Estelle is pulling at my shirt asking to play. “Just a minute honey, I’m almost done” is what I say to her about 90% of the time. After I tell her that, I wonder if maybe I should ask one of the older girls to help me and wash some dishes or maybe ask Josh. But then I spiral deeper into the Mom-Guilt thinking about all the nights I spent washing dishes as a teenager, when all I wanted to do was talk to my friends and I don’t want them to be stuck washing all of them. Or I think about how Josh worked this morning and I don’t want him to do more work than necessary. It’s a rabbit hole, because being Mom means thinking about everyone else’s feelings but then you get to the bottom of the hole and you realize you forgot your own.
I know I’m being slightly dramatic, but I guess I just needed to take this opportunity to put all of my feelings into a blog post and get them out of my body. I know things will get better, because they aren’t really all that bad right now. Who knows, maybe I just need to take some vitamins? Ha.