xx Toxic xx

Am I the only one who finds themselves holding onto the people who push you away the most? The people who give you every reason to not hold on to them? I’m sure I’m not.

I feel like I’m surrounded by them.

For some reason or another, the Universe has dropped these specimens of human beings into my life conveniently at different times. For a majority of the time, I’ve resented it. I’ve loathed people who were supposed to be considered my family. I’ve cried over people who were supposed to “love” me and care for me. To sum it up, I’ve wasted a lot of damn time feeling the wrong feelings and spending way too much energy.

My immediate family and friend would say that I’m too nice. I give people too many chances. I let people treat me like shit. I’m too forgiving. The fact of the matter is that at some point I just stop letting the actions of other’s completely overtake my humanity. Yes, I grieve the loss of people who I once loved. Yes, I get angry, throw things around and listen to my music too loud. But then it’s done or I’d like to think of it that way. I recognize that there are people in this world who don’t have a grip on the concepts of kindness, forgiveness and understanding. But I don’t let that stop me from continuing to be the best person I can be.

Since the beginning of 2019, it’s been rough. We’ve had my sister, my Mom left the state, etc. Things were stressful and I dealt with my emotions as I went along by verbalizing my arguments with my Mother to my Grandmother- that woman is a Saint, I don’t care what anyone says. I got the anger out of me every single day, so I wasn’t holding anything in. On the other hand, we have Joshua.

Joshua is one of the kindest souls you will ever encounter in your entire life. He has the biggest heart and would help anyone in a heartbeat. He absolutely hates conflict. I’ve only ever heard him yell at my sister, who continues to give us trouble on a daily basis. Besides London, the man has never raised his voice in a malice way- EVER. Anyway, very recently Josh had what he thinks was a panic attack. Out of nowhere he was triggered by someone and he said “it felt like the weight and emotions of the last 8 months all hit him at once”. One minute we are in the kitchen having a discussion and the next he is broken down in our dining room, unable to stop. It broke my heart to watch him go through that, but I realized a lot of things during that time. Josh rarely deals with his negative emotions. He just keeps trucking along, working and taking care of his family. There’s no time to dwell on the things that have upset him, because he needs to be strong for his family. He always sees the good in people, even when I don’t see it myself. He pushes any negativity aside and continues his relationships as if he forgave them, when he hasn’t quite reached that point yet.

Coping methods are not “one size fits all”, there isn’t a written set of rules on how to deal with the toxic people in your life. Don’t buy into “they’ll take a piece of you that you’ll never get back”. Healing is possible in all scenarios, take that from someone who’s entire life was flipped upside down in January. It is possible to move on from the things and the people who have hurt you, you just have to let yourself.

I guess to end this post, I’m going to make a promise to heal. I want my family to heal from the things that have been ailing their souls for the past few months, or in some cases years. Whether it be meditation, Reiki, art therapy, yoga, walking- whatever! I want them to be able to find that thing that helps them escape their reality.

How do you escape yours?

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